Bimmerguy2002 wrote:Two jews walk into a bar....one asks the bartender for a beer and the jew asks how much. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".
SO, what is the punchline? This supposes that any group could be substituted for the Hebrews. Setting out to hurt feelings isnt the road to success. Just saying , is all.
Bimmerguy2002 wrote:Two jews walk into a bar....one asks the bartender for a beer and the jew asks how much. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".
SO, what is the punchline? This supposes that any group could be substituted for the Hebrews. Setting out to hurt feelings isnt the road to success. Just saying , is all.
Bimmerguy2002 wrote:Two jews walk into a bar....one asks the bartender for a beer and the jew asks how much. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".
a wrote:SO, what is the punchline? This supposes that any group could be substituted for the Hebrews. Setting out to hurt feelings isnt the road to success. Just saying , is all.
Bimmerguy2002 wrote:The real joke is a neutron walked into a bar
One hydrogen atom says to another, "I lost my electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first one says, "Yes - I'm positive!"
Every day a guy on a bicycle crosses the border into Mother Russia while carrying a large sack of sand. After a few days, the border patrol becomes suspicous he is smuggling something and begins a rigerous inspection program when the man shows up - ripping the bag of sand apart - always finding nothing.
After 10 years of this daily routine and finding not one thing, one of the guards pulls the man aside and tells him that this is his last shift before his retirement. He says to the man 'I know you are smuggling something into Russia but I have never figured it out. Just between us, and to make me a happy man in retirement - can you please tell me what it is?"
An old couple, a middle age couple and a newlywed couple show up at the local parish wishing to join. The Father tells them that because they are a very small parish, they need to be selective about who they let join. The process is that for one week you must abstain from sex and at the end of the week we'll all meet again.
So the week passes and all couples are present. The Father asks the old couple how it went. The man says "Oh just fine, piece of cake...we haven't had sex in years." The Father says "Welcome to the parish." He then asks the middle age couple how it went. "Well..." says the man "It was tough, I had to sleep on the couch a couple times, but we made it through." "Congratulations, welcome to the parish." He then asks the newlyweds how it went. The man says "It was horrible...I tried sleeping on the couch...but it wasn't working so I had her lock the door to the bedroom...and after that it was going fine until yesterday." "We were painting our new house and she bent over to get some paint.....and...well....I just couldn't resist, I took her right there...". The Father says " I see...well, I'm sorry but I can't allow you into the parish."
The guy says "That's OK, we're not allowed in Home Depot either."
65°F – Arizonans turn on the heat. Springtime -- People in South Dakota plant gardens. Fall -- People in South Dakota are doing yard work wearing shorts, t-shirts & sandals.
60°F – Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in South Dakota sunbathe.
50°F – Italian & English cars won't start. People in South Dakota drive with the windows down.
40°F – Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in South Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.
35°F – New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in South Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
20°F – People in Miami all die. South Dakotans close the windows.
0°F – Californians fly away to Mexico. People in South Dakota get out their winter coats, and check their long johns for holes.
-10°F – Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in South Dakota are selling cookies door to door.
-20°F – Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in South Dakota let the dogs sleep indoors.
-30°F – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. South Dakotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
-40°F – All atomic motion stops. People in South Dakota start saying, "Cold enough for ya?"
-50°F – Hell freezes over. South Dakota public schools will open 2 hours late.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
One morning..just before my two daughters were getting up for school, I go in the bathroom to take a crap. Finishing up, I walk out of the bathroom and about 2 seconds later my 10 year old daughter walks in, makes a hasty exit and throws up on the floor.
An old prospector shuffled into the town of Ennis, Montana leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for all of us:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Alcohol makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power..............and
Don't mess with old folks.... they didn't get old by being stupid.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
